kind of a long up date for you all in blogger land. This week has been a shit show. Between studio work, greek drama, fights with friends, I needed an escape for the weekend. Michael was supposed to be coming so it was perfect. Unfortunately something happened and he is no longer able to leave. Obviously I'm disappointed and it's so hard for me because relationships are supposed to make you happy, not make you feel like crap.
So here's the low down, this summer Michael was planning on going into the National Guard. His boot camp was set for September. This was perfect because that was when I was leaving to go back to school and it would give us the summer together. Well while I was in Florida the last week in June, I get a call from Michael telling me he is leaving in 4 DAYS! not okayyyyy. So our perfect summer together got taken away. So he goes to leave and he tells me he will get to talk to me on the phone on Sundays and he will be home a week between basic and AIT. This is what keeps me going! However, 7 long weeks went by with me waiting by the phone every Sunday only to go to bed lonely and disappointed. I get a call on the 7th week and the 9th week I get to see him for 3 days. He doesn't get a break in between so that is it. However, there is hope because he is allowed to have a computer, phone and leave at AIT. BUT NO. He gets leave for Holidays, the place doesn't have internet, and he is taking classes from 11 pm to 3 am so he is awake while I'm asleep. It's the definition of bullshit. I know this is not Michaels fault but I don't know how many more disappointments my heart can take before I snap. I keep telling my self that it will be worth it but I'm really not sure what I'm waiting for anymore.
So laying it out on the table, this bullshit is done with in 3 months for him and then he gets to come home, but I still have two years of school left so we wont be in the same place and I'm not ready to get an apartment together...even though it would be the only way I could see him regularly. I'm putting my self through hell because it's a small part out of forever, but honestly...who knows how long this forever is going to last. I'm 20 years old and in college, I have a lot of life left to live before I settle down. I'm putting so much into this relationship when I'm not sure if it will even last. We've had such a rocky past, that I'm still scared. However, I want to give us a real shot.I honestly love the kid, but sometimes that's not enough. So then I think, we can just try once this is all over with, but what will that solve? I would still miss him, and be lonely and want him here with me. I can just never win.
It is hard to find someone to talk to about this too.
i'll try to update soon
<3
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