I had my first big crit this week! It resulted in many sleepless nights, but the outcome was fantastic...not to mention getting there was a lot of fun! I couldn't help but get discouraged a lot because I'm working my butt off for something I know I won't be doing 3 months from now. I wasn't really sad about not doing architecture next semester, but spending hours in the studio and bonding with everyone, helping each other out and sharing ideas gave me a new appreciation of it. I know I'm not the best in there but I have come a long way since last year and I know this year will push me further. I'll miss it, as frustrating as building models are I like seeing my results. There's not an other profession that gives you that. So thinking about the future, where I'm gonna be... I still have yet to figure out.
super secret, but this goes along with my future topic and I told you i wasn't gonna sugar coat anything. So I had a huge pregnancy scare! like i went to the doctors, and bought pregnacy tests and looked at clinics...both types. Ok, now what I want to write is about is not the fact that I was almost pregnant...but how I handled it. I was adopted because my birthmom was a "teen mom" and she chose the best option for me, and for that I truly love her. And because of that, abortion has always been something I was morally against... but yet when it came down to it, thats where my mind went first. I would just go get an abortion and not tell anyone about it...and go on to live my life. It made me sick to realize how selfish of a person I am. Now, I went to the doctor and i'm not pregnant so I never really had to make the decision...but the fact that it even crossed my mind makes me hate myself. But honestly... people say one thing, but when literally faced with the decision its a lot easier said then done.
I look at where I see myself 5 years from now and I don't even see myself married yet. Michael and I still have a long road a head of us, and I know if we can get through his military career and my education we could live together happily ever after.... its just going to be a rough road.
But honestly.... I live in the moment, I can't even figure out what I'm doing next week....
Tuesday, November 2
Friday, October 8
time management
So I've come to realize I blog about themes. There is usually one central problem that I worry my life away about, I think about different scenarios, questions, reasons....I just think. Now you all know I love my sorority, but what I love most about it is what it did for me. I don't just think about things now, I do things. I set a plan of action and go for it. People freak out over projects and tests and homework, while I get my stuff done (and it's done well I might add), work, AND have time to get an adequate amount of sleep and social time. So while everyones running around, I get worried that I am not doing the same. I was worried I was forgetting about something or not spending enough time studying. Well, when you put it in perspective, we have 2 weeks to do a project, a week to read 100 pages, and a test to study for. Break it down. There are 4 parts to this project, the model, elevations, floor plans and site plan. Spend 4 days on the model, 2 days on the elevations, 2 days on the floor/site, and the rest of the week before to perfect and design the building. Study a chapter/lesson a day for like 2 hours and then add them together, and read 15 pages a day instead of 100 pages the day before.
So instead of being stressed, not remembering anything, not sleeping, and not doing my best possible work, I am not stressed, remembering what i'm reading and studying, sleeping and doing my best possible work. Funny how that works out.
I just don't understand how it's hard for people to figure that out.....
So instead of being stressed, not remembering anything, not sleeping, and not doing my best possible work, I am not stressed, remembering what i'm reading and studying, sleeping and doing my best possible work. Funny how that works out.
I just don't understand how it's hard for people to figure that out.....
crazy little thing called love
kind of a long up date for you all in blogger land. This week has been a shit show. Between studio work, greek drama, fights with friends, I needed an escape for the weekend. Michael was supposed to be coming so it was perfect. Unfortunately something happened and he is no longer able to leave. Obviously I'm disappointed and it's so hard for me because relationships are supposed to make you happy, not make you feel like crap.
So here's the low down, this summer Michael was planning on going into the National Guard. His boot camp was set for September. This was perfect because that was when I was leaving to go back to school and it would give us the summer together. Well while I was in Florida the last week in June, I get a call from Michael telling me he is leaving in 4 DAYS! not okayyyyy. So our perfect summer together got taken away. So he goes to leave and he tells me he will get to talk to me on the phone on Sundays and he will be home a week between basic and AIT. This is what keeps me going! However, 7 long weeks went by with me waiting by the phone every Sunday only to go to bed lonely and disappointed. I get a call on the 7th week and the 9th week I get to see him for 3 days. He doesn't get a break in between so that is it. However, there is hope because he is allowed to have a computer, phone and leave at AIT. BUT NO. He gets leave for Holidays, the place doesn't have internet, and he is taking classes from 11 pm to 3 am so he is awake while I'm asleep. It's the definition of bullshit. I know this is not Michaels fault but I don't know how many more disappointments my heart can take before I snap. I keep telling my self that it will be worth it but I'm really not sure what I'm waiting for anymore.
So laying it out on the table, this bullshit is done with in 3 months for him and then he gets to come home, but I still have two years of school left so we wont be in the same place and I'm not ready to get an apartment together...even though it would be the only way I could see him regularly. I'm putting my self through hell because it's a small part out of forever, but honestly...who knows how long this forever is going to last. I'm 20 years old and in college, I have a lot of life left to live before I settle down. I'm putting so much into this relationship when I'm not sure if it will even last. We've had such a rocky past, that I'm still scared. However, I want to give us a real shot.I honestly love the kid, but sometimes that's not enough. So then I think, we can just try once this is all over with, but what will that solve? I would still miss him, and be lonely and want him here with me. I can just never win.
It is hard to find someone to talk to about this too.
i'll try to update soon
<3
So here's the low down, this summer Michael was planning on going into the National Guard. His boot camp was set for September. This was perfect because that was when I was leaving to go back to school and it would give us the summer together. Well while I was in Florida the last week in June, I get a call from Michael telling me he is leaving in 4 DAYS! not okayyyyy. So our perfect summer together got taken away. So he goes to leave and he tells me he will get to talk to me on the phone on Sundays and he will be home a week between basic and AIT. This is what keeps me going! However, 7 long weeks went by with me waiting by the phone every Sunday only to go to bed lonely and disappointed. I get a call on the 7th week and the 9th week I get to see him for 3 days. He doesn't get a break in between so that is it. However, there is hope because he is allowed to have a computer, phone and leave at AIT. BUT NO. He gets leave for Holidays, the place doesn't have internet, and he is taking classes from 11 pm to 3 am so he is awake while I'm asleep. It's the definition of bullshit. I know this is not Michaels fault but I don't know how many more disappointments my heart can take before I snap. I keep telling my self that it will be worth it but I'm really not sure what I'm waiting for anymore.
So laying it out on the table, this bullshit is done with in 3 months for him and then he gets to come home, but I still have two years of school left so we wont be in the same place and I'm not ready to get an apartment together...even though it would be the only way I could see him regularly. I'm putting my self through hell because it's a small part out of forever, but honestly...who knows how long this forever is going to last. I'm 20 years old and in college, I have a lot of life left to live before I settle down. I'm putting so much into this relationship when I'm not sure if it will even last. We've had such a rocky past, that I'm still scared. However, I want to give us a real shot.I honestly love the kid, but sometimes that's not enough. So then I think, we can just try once this is all over with, but what will that solve? I would still miss him, and be lonely and want him here with me. I can just never win.
It is hard to find someone to talk to about this too.
i'll try to update soon
<3
Tuesday, September 28
Oak is my King
Oak is My King!Ok, this is my BEST FRIEND, and has been since before this whole news campaign took off. I was the first person Oak told he was transgenders and have always stood by him. Its good to see that everything is out in the open and that he gets more overwhelming support than negativity. I keep thinking how I would have handled this and what I would have done... I would like to say I would have faced it with the same bravery and courage as Oak...but then when I truly think about it, I'm not comfortable enough with myself as it is and already shy away from doing something because i'm intimidated. I've become a lot more confident over the past year because of Oak. I'm so proud to call him my best friend. We have definitely grown a part this past summer especially, but he should know I'd always be there to support him.
Sunday, September 26
Weekend!
So my weekend consisted of working. Pretty much it. Everyone went home for the weekend since it was the first one without any real events going on. I worked Wednesday thru Saturday. It is such a shitty job, I hate it. lol If I stay over here and go to work full time, it would have to be some place else too... i can barely handle 20 hours spent at that frickin store! Its good I realized that I do not want to do that the rest of my life.
When I was not slaving away at the hut, I was hanging out with family. Molly and I went shopping on saturday! I purchased a pair of jeggings, and omg I love them. Super comfortable. I'm a lot more confident with my body and myself now so I feel as if I can pull them off.
I went to an Irish bar last night to see my cousin's band play. A lot of the family was there and it was so fun to see everyone! Hearing the music we played in fiddlers was awesome too. It made me miss the Ireland trip and Nick and Rory and Staud. I wish there was a way for me to persue my cello still. LTU sorta lacks in the music department, which is disappointing :(
Sorry for the short and kinda pointless update, but I'm trying my best to stay on top of the whole blog thing.
<3 ya
When I was not slaving away at the hut, I was hanging out with family. Molly and I went shopping on saturday! I purchased a pair of jeggings, and omg I love them. Super comfortable. I'm a lot more confident with my body and myself now so I feel as if I can pull them off.
I went to an Irish bar last night to see my cousin's band play. A lot of the family was there and it was so fun to see everyone! Hearing the music we played in fiddlers was awesome too. It made me miss the Ireland trip and Nick and Rory and Staud. I wish there was a way for me to persue my cello still. LTU sorta lacks in the music department, which is disappointing :(
Sorry for the short and kinda pointless update, but I'm trying my best to stay on top of the whole blog thing.
<3 ya
Friday, September 24
High School
How have I spent this time away from you my blogger friends?! Well funny you should ask.. As hard as I try to stay away from Muskegon I always find myself dead in the center of its drama department. I get sick and frustrated with it....but when i hear myself start to complain I realize I ask for it. My three best friends are always causing some sort of scene usually involving the other, and I play middle man. When I get talked to about the situation I can just say "oh" or "yeah" but instead I listen intently and try my best to help solve the situation.
When I look back and see that, I wonder what I am really running away from... if it was the "drama" I could avoid it. I keep thinking about it, why did I so desperately try to run from Muskegon and high school when I keep finding myself looking back at it?
The answer I suspect is because that is what society tells us to do. "get out of your boring old town and make a name for yourself" but how am I to know if I won't just get stuck in this town away from my family and friends. Its the thing to do now a days, go to college and get a degree and then work your life away.
Now i'm not going into my whole financial crisis because we would be here all day... but since this happened I couldn't help but think what if this happened for a reason? (thats what I think after every situation though) What if i wasn't meant to leave Muskegon yet? My 3 best friends are there, my moms there, I would have a job and take easy classes, my boy would be back there. Really the only thing keeping me here is my sorority. I truly love them and they have changed my life: made me stronger, wiser, braver...I was afraid to leave them because we were so small but now with our chapter doubling, I'm a lot less scared to leave.
My biggest inspiration comes from a girl who got me into blogging, she still lives at home, goes to community college, works minimum wage jobs...but honestly she is the person I am most inspired by. She does what she loves, always has time for others, gives back to the community, and always remains positive. I can't help but think that this is what life is truly about. Its not about having this big time job and working your life away, although it is the american dream to die filfty rich, but what do you really get out of it? Its the stuggles of life that make it
. I know this whole thing sounds cliche....but maybe I did discover the message at the end of the film and its now time to go live it out
When I look back and see that, I wonder what I am really running away from... if it was the "drama" I could avoid it. I keep thinking about it, why did I so desperately try to run from Muskegon and high school when I keep finding myself looking back at it?
The answer I suspect is because that is what society tells us to do. "get out of your boring old town and make a name for yourself" but how am I to know if I won't just get stuck in this town away from my family and friends. Its the thing to do now a days, go to college and get a degree and then work your life away.
Now i'm not going into my whole financial crisis because we would be here all day... but since this happened I couldn't help but think what if this happened for a reason? (thats what I think after every situation though) What if i wasn't meant to leave Muskegon yet? My 3 best friends are there, my moms there, I would have a job and take easy classes, my boy would be back there. Really the only thing keeping me here is my sorority. I truly love them and they have changed my life: made me stronger, wiser, braver...I was afraid to leave them because we were so small but now with our chapter doubling, I'm a lot less scared to leave.
My biggest inspiration comes from a girl who got me into blogging, she still lives at home, goes to community college, works minimum wage jobs...but honestly she is the person I am most inspired by. She does what she loves, always has time for others, gives back to the community, and always remains positive. I can't help but think that this is what life is truly about. Its not about having this big time job and working your life away, although it is the american dream to die filfty rich, but what do you really get out of it? Its the stuggles of life that make it
. I know this whole thing sounds cliche....but maybe I did discover the message at the end of the film and its now time to go live it out
Monday, September 20
Lets Try this Again
One of my favorite procrastination tricks is reading blogs. I love hearing peoples true thoughts and reading their unique writing styles. I always feel less stressed when I read how others are going through the same troubles I am.
So I thought I would give it ago. I have attempted to write many blogs in the past but have only managed to update them on days I was extremely pissed off. I would read my posts later and laugh at how foolish I was. Over this past summer I got into a habbit of writing Michael a letter to boot camp everyday. It not only helped me to feel more connected to him, but it made me feel a lot better getting every thought out, good and bad.
One of my stuggles is that I go through life with an appathetic attitude. I hide my emotions that sometimes I can't even tell how I really feel about situations. My blog title is called "No Sugarcoating" because I don't want to hide how I feel from my readers, if I'm upset I'll tell it and same if I am happy.
This will be the first Post of many. Enjoy
So I thought I would give it ago. I have attempted to write many blogs in the past but have only managed to update them on days I was extremely pissed off. I would read my posts later and laugh at how foolish I was. Over this past summer I got into a habbit of writing Michael a letter to boot camp everyday. It not only helped me to feel more connected to him, but it made me feel a lot better getting every thought out, good and bad.
One of my stuggles is that I go through life with an appathetic attitude. I hide my emotions that sometimes I can't even tell how I really feel about situations. My blog title is called "No Sugarcoating" because I don't want to hide how I feel from my readers, if I'm upset I'll tell it and same if I am happy.
This will be the first Post of many. Enjoy
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